As some of you know, Bill and I have been married for 43 years. We have weathered 14 moves, along with major life transitions, and huge personal changes that come with uprooting and relocating a marriage, children, home, lifestyle, and relationships.
I asked Bill to share some of his thoughts, fears, and feelings during our hard and difficult moving years, with the hope that it will help you understand what your husband is going through and know how to best encourage and love him during a move. I feel that If I had known what was going on in his head and heart then, I would have worked harder (and prayed more) at bridging the gap between us. I am amazed and humbled to know that anything I said, or conveyed through my actions, during those years, was received as he has described below. God has once again reminded me of His grace by allowing Bill to see me through eyes of love and a heart of forgiveness for all the times I failed to be loving and forgiving towards him.
Bill writes: Looking back at our many moves, I recognize my feelings of anxiety, fear, frustration, loneliness and isolation. Doubt would flood my mind. I often thought that I had just made a terrible mistake by moving...Why did I even agree to take this job/promotion and uproot my family? Can I succeed at my new job/position? Do they like me? Do I have what it takes? Why am I even doing this?
Fear would creep into my day... Would I settle into my new job? Can I do what the company expects of me? What will happen to our family if I can’t do the job and then get fired, we can’t just move again!
Pretty tough stuff, and nobody to share it with.
Susan and I were disconnected by miles and emotions and I wondered if we would ever reconnect. I felt the loneliness and emptiness of spending another night alone in my hotel room, in a strange city, when everyone else at my new job would go home to a family. I would question when we would be a family again, and why hadn’t our house sold. Financially I had to make the job and relocation work, and would tell myself that I would just have to try harder, to make it work.
You’re right, if men would talk, we would tell you that we have moving feelings and emotions too. Our thoughts come right from the core of a man, and address his worth, his ability to provide for, and protect his family. Although I did not address those feelings at the time, they were real, and drove my motivation, my emotions and my behavior. What I didn't know was how to help (or fix) Susan’s emotions while treading emotional water myself. We were fighting for our own survival, gasping for air, trying to keep our heads above water.
Susan’s words of affirmation, acts of encouragement, and assurance of her unconditional love for me were the pom-poms cheering me on each day during those difficult times. Her sacrificial love covered me with God’s grace each day while she minimized her hurts while helping to heal mine.
I have learned over the years that the total disruption of the marriage/family routine takes its toll on every member of the family, but not as much as in the relationship between husband and wife. Isn’t it just like Satan to drive a husband and wife apart during a time when they need each other most? When her words of encouragement follow her husband’s sharing of his doubts and worries; where honoring and value come after listening to her fears and frustrations; where fear and shame are overcome by mutual sharing and comforting one another with a reassuring hug; where loneliness melts away by coming together again.
So, grab a pom-pom-- I know you have them if you’ve been around Susan, and cheer your husband on!
~Tell him you respect him and how difficult it must be with a new job.
~Try to breathe oxygen into his world by giving him lots of grace, reassurance and respect.
~Look for things that he is doing right and tell him so. ~Make it a habit to spend 20 to 30 minutes a day to debrief.
~Each of you identify 3 things about the day that you want to share with each other, what you learned new today, something you enjoyed, something the kids said, one thing that you appreciate about each other.
Susan writes: On this Valentine’s Day, my card to Bill will read: I cherish you to the depth of my soul. You are truly God’s greatest gift to me and the love of my life. I love you with all my heart! After all these years, I’d still follow you to the ends of the earth!
Love, your Susan...
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