The slow work of creating connection in a new town
by Sarah Webb
My husband’s career in the Army finished in the Fall of 2022 and we entered the civilian world – a world totally foreign to us as a couple.
We decided to plant roots just south of Phoenix, AZ. I remember standing in my backyard in October of 2022 – it was hot and my view was limited to six adjacent houses. This was not what I dreamed of when thinking of what my “after military life” would be. I was supposed to be sipping my hot coffee on the back of my wrap-around porch on a cool fall morning, overlooking my acres of land.
But my husband had found an amazing work opportunity he couldn’t pass up. Sadly, for me it meant hanging up my farm wife dreams a little longer. If I can be real with y’all, it was hard to swallow that “pill.”
As military spouses we give up so much while our spouse serves our country.
We say goodbye to friends we love, give up our careers, miss out on family events, and set aside dreams we may have been longing for.
When my husband retired from the military, I assumed I would be getting everything I wanted and finally have tons of friends who wouldn’t move away six months later. It was going to be fine. How different could it be? It’s just another house and community. Right?
WRONG . . .
For months I watched my neighbor pull into her garage and never say a word to me. That had never happened to me while we were in the military. Eventually, I realized that I needed to be bold and put myself out there to meet new friends.
In After the Boxes Are Unpacked Susan Miller offers amazing ideas for getting out and “blooming where you’re planted.” I joined a local church, a mom’s group, and even attended some gardening classes.
I’ll be honest, I was a little “much” at first. In the first three seconds of meeting someone I’d ask if she’d like to hang out. Play dates and coffee dates didn’t always go well and I was treated as an outsider in some social gatherings.
But I didn’t give up.
Susan Miller‘s book, After the Boxes Are Unpacked, gave me ideas for how to be a good friend and what to look for in a friend. I learned you must be bold, but you don’t have to rush. It’s never good to have a forced friendship. The best type of friendships are ones that just naturally occur.
So yes, be ready to hand them your number, but also be ready for their “no’s.” It has nothing to do with you and the eventual “yeses” make it so much better. Any rejections I experienced paled in comparison to the good interactions.
I have learned to be bold but subtle (usually).
I met one of my best adult friends in our neighborhood. I posted on a mom’s group that I was looking for sourdough starter. A mom, who had picked up moving boxes from me, replied and offered to give me some of her sourdough starter. As I entered her house, I saw partially unpacked boxes and a scattering of toys. I knew she had to be in my life, even if it was only for a season.
I was still scared to put myself out there but then I heard a familiar childhood song playing somewhere in the house. With all the boldness I could muster, I asked, “Are you playing The Doughnut Man soundtrack?” She said, “Yes!” and our friendship began!
The friendship evolved slowly, but beautifully, and now feels more like a sisterhood. I call her my unicorn friend. We see eye to eye on almost everything and that is rare!
As I look back, what if I had never posted the message? What if I hadn’t risked looking like some oddball when I asked this neighbor about The Doughnut Man?
I would have missed out on the days I call her crying because life is hard, and she prays over me. I would have missed out on conversations that made us laugh until we peed our pants. I would have missed out on loving her kids like my own and her husband’s spaghetti sauce – the best I’ve ever had in my life. (Shh, don’t tell my Nonna.)
My advice for making new friends:
- Be bold!
- Be patient.
- Always keep praying!
- Always keep blooming!
My advice for friends you left behind:
- Be intentional!
- Set alarms to remember to text. I do 10-minute-long voice texts.
- Call old friends during errands. Send old friends weekly updates.
Yet, I’m thankful
Some days I can still find myself longing for the wrap-around porch and acres of land, but our move to Arizona has helped me grow in wonderful ways! I have learned in this season that I may have dreams and ambitions for the future, but God knows when I’ll be ready.
In the meantime, I’m learning to be more bold and, as a result, I’m making amazing friends. Some of the friendships are for a season and some will last forever. I’m excited to continue to thrive in the desert and develop the women’s ministry I’ve started here.
Arizona may not be ideal for me, and I may not be in my dream home, but leading moms to Jesus is probably my favorite thing in the world. I can firmly say “Thank you Jesus!” for putting me here.
Always blooming . . . always praying,
Sarah