Sharing two hearts ― a man’s perspective on moving
by Susan Miller
As some of you may know, I was married for 45 years before Bill’s death. We weathered 14 moves, along with major life transitions, and huge personal changes that come with uprooting and relocating a marriage, children, home, lifestyle, and relationships.
I asked Bill some years ago to share some of his thoughts, fears, and feelings during our difficult years of moving. My hope was that women would gain greater insight into what men go through during the transition of a move and how to best encourage and love their husband.
I know his words are just as impactful today as they were then.
If I had known what was going on in Bill’s head and heart at the time, I would have worked harder (and prayed more) at bridging the gap between us.
God has once again reminded me of His grace by allowing Bill to see me through eyes of love and a heart of forgiveness for all the times I failed to be loving and forgiving towards him. I am amazed and humbled to know that anything I said, or conveyed through my actions during those years, had such an effect on him.
Bill wrote:
Looking back at the many times we moved, I recognize my feelings of anxiety, fear, frustration, loneliness, and isolation. Doubt would flood my mind. Fear would creep into my day. Susan and I were disconnected by miles and emotions and I wondered if we would ever reconnect.
I often thought that I had made a terrible mistake by moving my family so often ― why did I agree to take this promotion and uproot my family? Will I succeed? Do I have what it takes? Why am I even doing this? What will I do if the job doesn’t work out?
My new job always seemed to start before our family moved. I wondered when we would all be together again and questioned why our house had not sold. I felt the loneliness and emptiness of spending another night alone in my hotel room, in a strange city, when everyone else at the office would go home to a family. Financially, I had to make the job and relocation work. I would tell myself that working long hours would get all the work done and put me over the top for job security.
I certainly couldn’t share all this with Susan. It would only upset her to know I had doubts and fears. She thinks I’m confident about all our moves and always excited about moving up the corporate ladder. Pretty tough stuff, and I wasn’t about to tell anyone my feelings.
If men would talk, we would tell you that we have feelings and emotions about moving too. Our thoughts come right from the core of a man. These thoughts address our worth, our ability to provide for, and protect, our family. Although I did not address feelings at the time, they were real, and drove my motivation, my emotions, and my behavior.
What I didn’t know was how to help (or fix) Susan’s emotions while treading emotional water myself. We were fighting for our own survival, gasping for air, trying to keep our heads above water.
Susan’s words of affirmation, encouragement, and the assurance of her unconditional love for me were like pom-poms cheering me on each day during those difficult times. Her sacrificial love covered me with God’s grace each day while she minimized her hurts while helping to heal mine.
I have learned over the years that the total disruption of a marriage and family routine takes its toll on every member of the family, but not as much as in the relationship between husband and wife. Isn’t it just like the enemy to drive a husband and wife apart during a time when they need each other most?
It is when encouragement follows doubt and worry, when understanding comes after listening to fears and frustrations, when loneliness is melted away by coming together again, when communication brings connection instead of conflict, when God is the focus instead of yourself, and when praying rules your day, that love and hope will be renewed in your marriage.
Susan writes:
So, grab a pompom and be your husband’s cheerleader! (It might even be contagious!)
- Tell him you’re proud of him and how difficult it must be with a new job.
- Try to breathe oxygen into his world by giving him lots of grace, reassurance, and encouragement.
- Look for the things he is doing right, not wrong, and tell him.
- Make it a habit to spend 20 to 30 minutes a day to debrief.
- Dwell on the positive, not the negative, things about the move.
- Be intentional about building him up, not tearing him down.
- Kiss him when he goes to work and when he comes home.
- Share something you appreciate about him, something you admire and respect about him, and a reason you love him.
On this Valentine’s Day, my card to Bill would read: I cherish you to the depth of my soul. You are truly God’s greatest gift to me and the love of my life. After all those moves, I would still follow you to the ends of the earth. And one day, I’ll follow you to our eternal home and we will be together again!
Love, your Susan
You were both blessed with the gift of gab! To communicate so clearly, eloquently and fluently while sharing your vulnerable moments in life is rare. Your heavenly crown will be heavy with jewels for the multitudes of people you inspire!! Keep shaking those pom-poms!!!
Oh Tracey!
Thank you for your comment! Your kind words bless and encourage my heart.
Here’s shaking my pom-poms for you girl!
Love,
Susan
Hi Susan,
You’ve always spoken so sweetly of Bill and I’m so glad to read his own words and experience- thank you so much for sharing. I can imagine that my husband would share these very thoughts so this is such a great reminder to encourage him, communicate, and pray together through it all. Grateful for you and this ministry.
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to the article. I am blessed to know you were encouraged. Your kind words encouraged my heart also!
Hugs,
Susan
Dearest Susan,
How have I missed the previous postings? Precious. You share so much and now Bill’s words. Brings tears.
Look how our Lord has worked all those Miller moves for good, for you and all the rest of us.
God is good.
I wish I could have met Bill.
Love,
Polly
Thank you for your kind words Polly! I wish you could have met him too! He would have LOVED your pies!
Hugs,
Susan
Thank you for sharing..what beautiful insight into how our husbands may be feeling and that we can be their biggest cheerleader!!
Oh Lisa…your words are my prayer! May this blog give women a glimpse of how men often struggle with moving and how we might encourage them!
Gratefully,
Susan
What a great article! I have never read that. Just awesome !
Helen,
Thanks! So glad you liked it! Little did Bill know that writing this would become timeless.
Hugs to you!
Love reading this every time it’s posted!
Tish,
Your comment blesses me! I love rereading it also! I can hear Bill’s voice with each word…
Miss you!
Thank you Susan,
This is such a good reminder to listen to, communicate well with, cherish and affirm our husband in all the moves we make in life. And to do this prayerfully with Christ at the center of our hearts and homes. God is good all the time.
Gwen,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your words warm my heart. My prayer is for the article to be a good reminder for all those who read it.
Gratefully,
Susan Miller